i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
