Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
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