I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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