Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
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