Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
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