you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
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