I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
