: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Randomize
