please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
