I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
Randomize
