oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Randomize
