Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
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