All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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