I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
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