he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Randomize
