Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
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