I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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