I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Randomize
