last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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