I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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