There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Randomize
