you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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