Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
