I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
