I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
My cat gives me a boner
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
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