Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
