The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Randomize
