Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Randomize
