I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
My dick has a subreddit
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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