She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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