i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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