i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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