YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
