I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
He did a backflip because drugs
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
