I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
