I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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