Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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