In America we eat man semen.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
