I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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