Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
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