I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Randomize
