I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
