Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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