I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I need a burrito and a hug.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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