About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
Randomize
