he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
