You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
