cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
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