The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
