I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
