Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Randomize
